"I Smell Like A Genius"

Coachella 2007 Announced!!

Every year, the Coachella Festival in Indio, CA is THE premier Festival of the summer in the US. Judging by the promotional poster, this year's Fest will be no different:

Oh, my peeps. How I WISH this were the real deal. Instead, it's a parody, but a damn good one. The real lineup is much less exciting (unless you're a Rage fan):

Thanks to Jeff America for pointing both the fake and the real out to me.

Ever wonder what happens...

Do you ever wonder what happens when you do a google search for "banana phone" and then click on the first link? I don't.

(My apologies to those of you who have already experienced this years ago. The Malones just found it. I hope we don't end up like this.).

Spielberg - you got some 'splainin' to do....

My last post was basically a link to a really good question my buddy Kevin had. After giving it some thought, I still don't have an answer for him, but I do have even more questions. Kevin's question re: feeding gremlins was this:

Now, technically isn't it always after "midnight"? 11:59pm is after midnight of the same day. What gives man? 

My additional questions cover all three Gremlin rules.

Rule Number One: Keep them out of daylight.

What is it about the sunlight that burns them to a crisp? Can they use a tanning bed? What if they put on HELLA' sunscreen? Or does that count as breaking rule #2?

Rule Number Two: Never get them wet.

We've seen what happens if you get water on them. Let's say you feed your Mogwai an apple. What if juice sprays on it's eyelid? (Don't laugh - it's happened to me.) Or, let's say someone sneezes in it's face - are we all f-cked? Can its own drool activate the birthing process?

What happens if you pee on them? Same thing (only stinky)? Or do you create a new kind of gremlin? And what if they pee on themselves? (Don't laugh - it's happened to me.)

Rule Number Three: Never, ever, feed them after midnight.

The big question here - Time Zones. If I put a Mogwai on a 5 hour flight from Boston to California that leaves Boston at 9, but arrives in Cali at 11 - am I safe to feed it when it arrives? (And, in a related question - can my gremlin fly carry-on like a small dog, or do I have to stow him with the other animals?)

Finally, when do astronaughts feed their gremlins if they take them to space?

Please. Take some time to think it over and answer my questions. Especially if you're that crazy old chinese guy with the long beard and the pipe.

Does this gizmo come with instructions?

Kevin has a serious question for you. One that I cannot answer. It's a good question though. Somebody please help him out.

Sick Day - A story of Total Grossness

So Friday I wasn't feeling all that great and I decide to stay home. A nice relaxing day on the couch. Maybe play a little Wii (stop snickering).

Around noon I decide I might feel better if I take a shower. Into the shower I go. I sing a little song. I slap my tummy for percussion. OK - song's over. Time to dry off and get out.

I grab the towel off the towel rack and start the wipe down. First the chest, then the arms, then the...hey, what the hell is going on with my arms? They've got little black dots all over them. Like tiny moles. What the hell?

I touch the dots and they fall right off. Eww?

I look at the towel and shake it out. A few black dots fall out. I look at the towel rack. Looks clean. I look under the towel rack. EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!

It's like someone took a pepper shaker full of black and brown dots and poured it out under the towel rack. What The Hell Is It?

It didn't blow in through the window, so it must have come from inside the house. It didn't spill out from the trash. Mr. Ricky didn't make that mess.

I look REAL CLOSE at the window sill. There is a hole in the paint that shows just a bit of the wood underneath. And out of the hole, dropping very, very slowly, are tiny eggs. Insect eggs. EEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!

I think I screamed like a little girl at that point. Which did not help my sore throat at all.

I spent the majority of the afternoon on the phone with my landlord (he sent an exterminator), cleaning my bathroom, and gagging.

Kids, I didn't tell you this story just to gross you out. There is a lesson to be learned from all of this, and it is: Always wipe your arms before your privates. Cuz this story would have been 1000 times grosser if I hadn't.

Follow that advice and 2007 should be a breeze...

I'm not dead!!

I've just been so busy with this (I'm getting hella hits) and this (my arm's getting hella tired - stop snickering), that I'm going crazy. But after the PCQ next weekend, I'll return to semi-normal and tell you all about my distaste for the holiday phone voice, my love for holiday elves, and how I almost ate a mayo bug on National Gerald Ford Day.