"I Smell Like A Genius"

Pick Your Poison

Sorry for the delayed absence. Let's see, what can I blame it on this time...? Mashed potato poisoning! Christopher Guest poisoning! Geek poisoning! How about all of the above? Better yet, I'll let you choose:

Mashed Potato Poisoning - So Mrs. Malone and I decided to totally blow off all family and have our own T-Day - minus the "T". We're vegetarians. Here's my least favorite question around this time of the year: "OH MY GOD!!! NO TURKEY!?!? WHAT DID YOU EAT!?!?" Here's my favorite answer: "I want you to think REAL HARD about what was at your Thanksgiving table. Think about all that food. Now tell me, BESIDES TURKEY, how much meat was on the table? There was probably enough in the "non-meat" category to feed 10 extra people, right? So that's what we ate."

Anyhoo - I digress. Mrs. Malone and I decided to try to cook an extravagant veggie meal, complete with multiple courses and multi-multiple desserts. The we remembered our skill sets. Cooking was not in there anywhere. Between the two of us, we've overcooked microwave burritos, undercooked pancakes, and burnt root beer (it's true. No, don't ask).

So we came to our senses and made a simple, yet delicious, veggie meal. And I made the mashed potatoes. And the came out great. And I am very proud of myself. And I ate too many. And I couldn't move because my circulation was being slowed by all the potato. And that's why I haven't updated in a while.

Christopher Guest Poisoning - Mrs. Malone and I went to go see "For Your Consideration" over the holiday. We L-O-V-E Christopher Guest. "Waiting for Guffman" and "Best in Show" are two of our favorite movies. So imagine how disappointed I am to tell you that "For You Consideration" gets a "D". The movie was not that funny, kind of bland, and ultimately a complete waste of talent. (Kinda like my Uncle Jimmy. Another reason we wanted to do Thanksgiving on our own.)

Luckily, the other "D" movie I was over the holiday was much better. Tenacious D's "Pick of Destiny" is everything it should be. If you dig the D, then you'll dig this movie. And it was directed by the GENIUS who wrote the line "I stuck urinal cake down my pants and now I smell like a GENIUS". What more could you ask for in a movie?

Anyho' - After being disappointed by Christopher Guest and company, I was too depressed to get off the couch and that's why I haven't updated in a while.

Geek Poisoning - Here's the conversation I had to have with this blog over the long weekend:

"ISLAG, I've been cheating on you with another blog. My love for VS. overcame me this weekend and I decided to write about it. I promise you will never leave you, but I need you to accept this new blog as part of our relationship. Can you do that?"

ISLAG bitchslapped [one word?] me and has been crying in a corner ever since. And that is why I haven't updated in a while.

There was a distinct LACK of poo in the new 007 film

I can buy that 007 can take out dozens of gun-toting bad guys without getting shot. I can buy that 007 can get the snot beat out of him and still show up on time to a date - looking fabulous. But what I can't buy...lack of dead-guy poop.

Don't people poo after they die? I've never seen someone die, but I've heard that after you die - you poo. So where was it in the new bond film? There were certainly PLENTY of dead guys and even a few dead gals. One of the dead bodies had even been sitting out overnight in a swimsuit. Know what we didn't see?

I guess I can't fault the 007 franchise. No movie that I can think of tackles this issue. You know what would have been the PERFECT movie to address the poo thing? "Weekend At Bernie's"

They were with this dead guy for a whole weekend. That should have been PLENTY of time of Bernie's body to relax and drop the goods. Can you imagine how much funnier the flick would have been if Andrew McCarthy and Jason Silverman had to pretend Bernie was alive AND had IBS?

Yahoo! runs out of news

..."after" split? First off, Yahoo!, could you not fit the "before, during, and" into the headline? And is this really news? Perhaps you should have done some google-ing before you decided to go with that one.

Bye Rummy...

...let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Work Movement

I'd like to start by saying that my recent lack of updates has been because my work has moved and it's been insanity trying to get settled back in. But that would be a lie. I've just been lazy.

It's true that my work has moved though. About 6 blocks. New building is great. New desk is great. New bathroom...well...

The last building had the men's room right next to some girl's desk. And I'm sure she could hear EVERYTHING.

Now she's sitting far, far away from the bathroom. And I'm sure she can hear EVERYTHING. Why? Because it seems the men's water closet is like a giant echo chamber. The cavernous room's combination of metal fixtures and reverberating tiles make the smallest "explosion" seem about 50 TIMES bigger.

Did anyone think about this before they built the bathroom? Or was the architect a 10-year-old boy?

I may be exaggerating when I say that girl can hear us from our desk, but I'm not exaggerating when I say that a properly modulated fart can almost definitely be heard at the front desk. Where the clients come to check in. Nice.