"I Smell Like A Genius"

Nose Milk Out (or how Fran Drescher saved my job...and my life!)

Yesterday started poorly. I accidentally killed one of my favorite bugs (don't ask - my emotional attachment to insects is beyond explanation, especially since they freak me out. I think there is a part of me that feels I have inadvertently violated my unwritten "live and let live" policy.).

Then, while driving to work I opened one of those small cartons of milk that are almost impossible to open while driving to work. Since I'm a big expiration date freak, I needed to sniff the white stuff to make sure it hadn't gone bad. And wouldn't you know it, I hit a bump and one small splash later my left nostril was awash in cow juice.

It made me laugh (especially when I looked in the rear view to assess the damage and saw how much milk a human nostril can hold), but it also caused a problem. My nostril is perfectly shaped to drip fluid in case of an emergency (as are most nostrils I'm told).

Hand #1 is on the steering wheel.

Hand #2 is holding the almost totally full milk carton. The almost totally full, SQUARE milk carton. Which obviously doesn't fit into the round cup holders in my car.

And now I'm on the verge of dripping on my shirt.

Did I mention I was running late to work? And that it was 9:05 and both my bosses were expecting me to be in a meeting at 9? And I was still 5 minutes away from work? This did not leave a whole lot of time for dairy damage control.

I quickly glanced around the car for something paper-y to help me out. A napkin, a receipt, the liner notes in a cd case...anything! But I found nothing. And the minor head wagging had activated a mini-"milkfall” which could only be stopped by tilting my head backwards.

So now I'm cruising down the freeway at 80 MPH, head tilted towards the ceiling, one had on the wheel, one hand on the milk and left with two options:

Nose Milk Out or Nose Milk Up.

If the God of Public Self-Humiliation smiled upon me, I could transfer the contents of Hand #2 into Hand #1, then use #2 to randomly grab something useful from the backseat (without turning my head). If the God was angry, the Nose Milk Out option would involve me sacrificing a bit of my shirt...or quite possibly my pants. And can you imagine WHERE on my pants the milk would land? "Hi bosses! I was late for the meeting because the milk from my nose fell on my pants and it made it look like I splooged myself. Did I miss anything?"

The Nose Milk Up option would involve a quick sniff...and then pain.

So I took a chance. Hand #1 quickly took over #2's duties - as well as keeping its own. Hand #2 desperately grabbed for anything in the backseat. It was at this point that my car went from lane #2 to lane #2.5.

Hand #1 jerked the wheel straight, but the sudden movement brought a milk bead to my upper lip. For a minute I thought this could all end well. "I can just tilt my head until it all runs into my mouth." But then I'm like "Dude, no. That milk's been in my nose."

And then Hand #2 hit paydirt. My polar fleece. Sweet! With a flip of the arm, my problem was solved by a product from the good people at Old Navy. My nostril, damp and cold, was no longer a threat to me (or any of the other drivers on Highway 85) thanks in part to Fran Drescher and her power to influence my father's X-mas shopping decisions.

So let this be a lesson to you, dear reader. Be careful, cuz bug karma works in mysterious ways.

Skank Mall Syndrome

Quiz time!

You work at Mrs. Fields cookies. Mr. Malone asks you the following question: "How much is just one of those little bite-sized cookies?" Do you answer:

a) I'm sorry sir, we only sell those by the half-dozen.
b) Umm…what? Uhh…let me ask my manager.
c) {SIGH!} You have to buy six of those. You can't buy just one [then you roll your eyes to confirm that you think I'm a moron, as if I couldn't tell by the tone in your voice.]

The correct answer is "a". I'd expect and settle for "b". But I guess when you're a post-menopausal woman working at one of the skankiest malls in the Bay Area, you answer "c".

What's with the 'tude cookie woman? Could it be the home life? The job? Or have you finally succumbed to Skank Mall Syndrome?

The number 1 SMS Symptom is - You stop treating people like they have feelings

Example: Mrs. Malone and I are in the food court eating what was described on the menu as a Mediterranean wrap (judging by the taste and the newspaper-like quality of the flat bread, I think they can safely dump the "Mediterranean" descriptor and stick with the "wrap"…as in "plastic"). A slightly pierced, slightly overweight teen Goth drops her Snapple bottle on the ground. It shatters, and she utters "oh man…that's a problem." The mother of 4 boys at the table next to us takes a look at her and mutters above her breath "that's the least of your worries".

What the f-ck is that? What a wonderful mom you must be when you can't resist dissing a strange child - in front of your own children - for not conforming to your idea of a teen. Just wait until those boys grow up…

10 Sumner Tales

1. Saw Sting last week. Very good show. The best song he played was "Hole In My Life". I did not expect that to be in the set. It made me happy.

2. Sting's best 2 songs are "Ghost Story," about dealing with the loss of his father years after he died, and "Fragile," which should be an anthem for the world (especially now).

"Ghost Story" should be studied by all serious songwriters. It is a perfect example of solid song structure, use of metaphor, and has one of the most powerful bridges ever written.

3. About 3 years ago, Sting's lawyers sent me a kind of "cease and desist" for selling a bootleg of rare tracks on ebay. It was at over $100 before they yanked it.

4. In high school, a friend and I camped out in front of a record store to get Sting tickets. We spent most of the night discussing how wonderful we thought R.S. was and how neither of us would probably ever have the nerve to ask her out.

We got shitty seats because there were 4 scalpers in front of us who spent 5 to 10 minutes each buying 6 tickets to everything that went on sale that day. We were mad.

Neither of us ever got up the nerve to ask R.S. out

5. The last song I heard as a virgin was a Police song.

6. I have seen Sting play live 4 times now. I have never seen the Police play live.

7. The first girl to break my heart could play the "I Burn For You" bass line on guitar. Five years after she dumped me we met again, drank, danced, drank more, and almost slept together. She had a boyfriend. This fact didn't seem to bother her until after the alcohol wore off. She cried. She told me she always cried when she get drunk. She was lying. It was Valentine's Day. He hadn't called her.

8. "Nothing Like The Sun" has been on my "Top 10 albums of all time list" since the day I heard it. "Ghost In The Machine" is my favorite Police album.

9. "It takes a man to suffer ignorance and smile…" - This line may have saved A.L. from a punch to the face in 10th grade. He was annoying. I was pretentious. I thought he was getting a little too friendly with my girl (see #7).

10. Like Sting, I too can sustain a 12 hour erection using Tantric meditation. Unlike Sting, I need to be alone, I need to be in a "hands and knees" position and my 12 hour erection only lasts 15 minutes.

My "comments" are working again...

...thanks to those who pointed it out. As usual, it was a user error on my part.

So "comment" away!

-T. Malone

We're always looking for another tax write-off...

An e-mail from Mrs. Malone:

Remark made to me by the checker at Albertson's: "Do you want to buy a shamrock to help fight children with muscular dystrophy?" Heck yeah, I'll buy anything if it'll help bring those little bastards down...

Where is Hallmark when you need them?

I'd like to take a moment to share one of my favorite blog entries of all time. It comes from a man who also smells like a genius and, when wearing glasses, looks like one as well. So here it is:

My favorite entry from Fireland.com - "A Nice Selection of Greeting Cards"

It made me laugh. It made me cry (from laughing so hard). Then it made me laugh again (because I was crying so hard). Then it made me cry (because I got fired for laughing and crying so hard at work). But then I laughed again because that job sucked.

"I Smell Like...A Man In Love"

It's almost love day (or maybe it is by the time you're reading this). It just wouldn't be proper for me not to give hella' props to my partner in crime, the lemon to my lime, the "turpen" to my "tine", my network's T1 line, my "Palace of the Brine", the Geoffrey Rush in my "Shine"...that's right, Mrs. Malone - You Rock! This one is for you!

I wanted to write you some songs and play them to all my readers, but how can I get the full emotion across in this blog? People can't hear the music.

After tossing it around for a while I came up with a solution. I'll take some existing tunes and write new lyrics. Readers can play the music in their heads while reading these new words (Note To Readers: Pressing "play" in your head may incur the wrath of the RIAA. Lawsuits may follow unless you send 99 cents to the artists indicated below. T. Malone and "I Smell Like A Genius, Inc." can not be held responsible for damages incurred by playing songs mentally without the artist's permission.).

So here we go.

Song #1 (Elton John's "Your Song" - pay 99¢ and press play now!)

It's a little bit funny
That joke you just told
I'm not one of those who would
Care if it's old

My blog needs some content
And my readers don't know
That you are the smart one
And my ideas blow

But I can tell everybody
This is my Blog
It might be quite simple but
Now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind
That I wrote down your words
I'm not that creative,
as you've probably learned...

OK - you know what? That wasn't really that romantic, plus I'm writing about things I'd rather keep private. So forget that one. This one is much better:

Song #2 (Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings" - press play now!)

It must have been cold there in our freezer
In fact it had almost slipped my mind
But I was broke, so you suggested
I finish the meal you left behind

Chorus:
Yes, you let me finish off your gyro
It's everything I hoped it would be
And you have become my lunchtime hero
Cuz you let me eat your lunch for free

Hmmm...it does capture how kind you are, but again - it's missing that romantic somethin'. Plus I have nothing for that part where she goes "flyyyyyy, Flyyyyyy, FLYYYYYYYY away!", which is totally the best part. Let's try again.

Song #3 (Journey's "Open Arms" - press play now!)

Lying beside you
Here in the dark
Feeling your cold feet on mine
Softly you whisper
"Warm up my rear"
Damn girl your booty's so fine!

You're so Bootylicious
Like Be-yon-ce Knowles
But not with her scary thighs

So now I come to you
Like Tony to Carm
Except that I don't
have seven goomahs
So here I am
Don't be alarmed
I want us to be
the "before season three"
"T" and Carm

Perfect!

I love you Mrs. Malone :)

And speaking of Saint Valentine...

You all know the story of St. Valentine, right? He married people even though the evil king said no (or something like that).

Well, this would have made him smile.

Way to go S.F.! My hat is off to you Mayor Newsom! (or should I say "Saint" Newsom?)

The 2 sides of T. Malone

Side 1 - Intellectual, Opinionated, Dashingly Handsome

The following is an excerpt from a letter to the editor of a major newspaper by Dee Tilles of Ashland OR.

Characteristics of Fascism

Powerful/Continuing Nationalism: Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottoes, slogans and symbols. Flags are everywhere.

Identification Of Enemies: People are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat.

Military Supremacy: With widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding. Domestic agenda is neglected.

Controlled Mass Media: ...the media is ... indirectly controlled by government regulation.

Religion and Government are Entwined: Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion.

Rampant Cronyism and Corruption: Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends/associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power to protect their friends from accountability.

Side 2 - Party Animal, Rock Star, Dashingly Handsome

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel tied around his waist. Bartender says, "Hey, did you know you have a steering wheel tied around your waist?". Pirate says "Argh, yes, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

----

Folks, it takes both sides to make me smell like a genius...

Speaking of Side 2 ...

...go here:

http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/29/

It's a flash movie, so it ain't that big, but it does have sound.

It made me very happy. I can't stop dancing...