"I Smell Like A Genius"

Haiku-Na Matata

My wife says Haiku
Should be about nature, not
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"Meat" the co-workers

The last Thursday of every month is potluck day at work. This means later on today I'll go through the whole "Oh you have to try Sue's chicken! It's sooo good. Oh, that's right. I forgot. You're a vegetarian. So what are you going to eat?"-experience AGAIN.

My answer (which I usually edit heavily): "Good question! I'll probably just forage outside for nuts and berries, maybe lick a tree. If I'm lucky I might find a banana someone dropped in the parking lot! ...What the f-ck do you think I'll eat? How about rolls, salad, soup, rice, cake, salsa, beans and pasta motherf-cker!?!" (I guess that'd really be "pasta, motherf-cker", not "pasta motherf-cker" - which is probably some insane Italian dish.)

Mrs. Malone also gets the freak-eye from her co-works for not eating meat. She remembers a time when her ex-boss (whose distended pudenda was the center of many a story) asked her "can you eat pie crust made from animals"? What the hell was she talking about? A zebra crumble?

Meat eaters can be weirdos. Especially if they're over 50.

Worst Game Show EVER!

I think the worst game show ever would be Baby Fear Factor. Babies are fearless. You can dangle them by one leg upside down - they don't care. You can twirl them over your head - THEY LAUGH IN YOUR FACE! Show 'em a gross bug - they'll stick it right in their mouth and try to gum it. FEARLESS!

On top of that, they show a complete lack of interest in completing tasks that would benefit them (financially or otherwise). You may notice this around the house if you have a kid. You have to do Airplane Spoon to get them to finish their strained peas. If self-preservation isn't motivation enough to complete a task, why would they do it for $100,000?

You can imagine what a ratings killer Baby Fear Factor would be:
Two cars suspended 50 feet over a river, harnessed Baby needs to grab 5 flags from one car and jump to the other car in less than 3 minutes! While under an artificial waterfall!!

Baby would just sit there chewing on his helmet strap. If host Joe Rogan started yelling at him to hurry, Baby would just laugh.

Put Baby in a vat of snakes. He'd be like, "Hey, I've been sitting in my own feces for an hour. Stop wasting my time".

Joe Rogan: "Baby, eat these 3 bull testicles to go to the next round!"
Baby: "You drop 'em on the ground and I'll eat 12 of them before you can run across the room to stop me."

Baby Survivor would suck too. Babies would have even more problems on top of the aforementioned lack of motivation. For example, babies don't know how to vote. Baby would return from the voting booth at tribal council with pen all over his hands and face. Jeff Probst would spend 10 minutes trying to make out what Baby wrote on the ballot. The drool would not make it any easier.

Plus, Jeff's catch phrase would have to be changed to "The Tribe has 'gurgled'".

Vagina Check!

So I've been checking my blog stats to see where people have been hitting this site from. My buddy from Fireland is throwin' some peeps my way (thanks brotha'), but the hits that make me go "hmm..." are coming from Yahoo! searches. My two favorite searches that lead to my site are:

"Pimp Nissan Sentra"
(which lead to I Heart To Dance - even though the "pimp" part came from Bringin' in the New Year - Carrow's-Style!)

and

"turkey time gobble gobble vagina"
(which lead to Gigli - A Review In 3 Acts)

Why are people typing "turkey time gobble gobble vagina" into Yahoo! search? I can only assume they're looking for "Gigli" information. But the quote from the movie doesn't include the word "vagina", so they must have added it themselves.

And the funny thing is, I'm #10 on the return results list! I assume this person went through the 9 other sites before finding me. And maybe I wasn't even what he/she was looking for. Maybe I should contact #14 - United Poultry Concerns, Inc. - to see if they get a lot of traffic from this search as well.

P.S. I’m currently #92 for "Pimp Nissan Sentra". I barely miss the triple digits. With properly constructed Meta Tags, I’m hoping to improve my ranking to the low 40s. I think my target audience may lie there.

P.P.S. I can't wait to see what kind of traffic the title of this entry brings me.

New E-Rules For Mom

The following e-mail subject lines are unacceptable:
Fwd: Here's a thought...
Fwd:FW: There's and Angel in Your In-Box
Fwd:FW:Fwd: Kittens!!!

Examples of acceptable e-mail subject lines:
I found those old comics of yours I thought I threw out
I just figured out I owe you some back-allowance
Grandma died

Does this smell bad to you?

I have a fear of expiration dates.

When I'm in the fridge and I see we're at the beginning of the milk's expiration week, I become a Sniffer. Once it goes 2 days past the expiration date - it's over. I won't touch it. Not even a sniff test. Why risk trapping the rank smell of spoiled milk in my nose?

That said, I want you to sniff something for me.

Does this smell like a musky fart to you too? I think it should have been thrown out with the moldy bread AND SLAVERY!

But instead it looks like they're gonna drink it...eewww!

(I hope they get a stomach ache tonight.)

By the Power of Grayskull...

In my "Someone Owes Me An X-mas Miracle" entry, I make some demands. Feel free to read the whole entry, but for today let's focus on the aforementioned demands:

1. The release of EVERYTHING Sifl-n-Olly on DVD

2. A Pixies reunion

3. Steve Jackson finally publishing the "Baravian Fire Drill" INWO expansion. (If you understand what I'm talking about then you just went up 500 cool-points in my book.)

4. G.W.B. arrested for treason and forced to give all his money to the families of the boys & girls he's killed AND he has to share a cell with Martha Stewart AND there is only one bottle of booze between the two of them, and Martha gets it all unless G.W. can pronounce a complex (4 syllables or more) or foreign word (or "nuclear") correctly. It all has to be televised and shown instead of American Idol, but Coke can still sponsor it.

5. A new job for me where I make a lot more money, have a lot more fun and don't have to put Usher, Trisha Yearwood and Dinah Shore together for anything EVER AGAIN.

Holy Crap! #2 has come true! I have The Power! And I think the best thing to do when you realize you have The Power is to abuse it right away. So here is a new list of demands:

1. Lost In Translation must sweep the Academy Awards (well, maybe Peter Jackson can take a few home). Cold Mountain gets NOTHING - all that talent and it's basically a Hallmark Movie of the Week with blood.

2. An end to breast implants all across the land. I know enough about women's bodies to know that breasts aren't symmetrical, but come on - when nipples look like they're running away from each other...that's no good. And with implants they don't always run in opposite directions. One heads west while the other goes south. It is my firm belief that a man should not have to move diagonally when worshipping a woman's upper body.

3. A record contract for my friends at Corporate Whore. They've been workin' it hard.

4. No more Keanu doing Shakespeare! Who told him he could do that? In fact, who told him he can act? Bill S. Preston, Esq. knew when to quit. (And yes, I realize Ted's laughing all the way to the bank with his Matrix money...and it burns me...it BURNS ME!!! No one involved in Johnny Mnemonic should ever be allowed to take home a dime until everyone who has seen the movie has been compensated for their ticket/rental fee, for the time they lost watching it and for any work they may have missed recovering from this piece of sh-t. A talking rubber dolphin my ass!)

5. A new job for me where I make a lot more money, have a lot more fun and don't have to put Usher, Trisha Yearwood and Dinah Shore together for anything EVER AGAIN. (I figure if I end all my demand lists with it then it's bound to happen, right? And then there's the theory that if I got off my ass and started looking I wouldn't need to put it on my list. But this just seems so much easier.)

Note to The Gods: I'm not a greedy bastard. I'm totally cool with going 1 for 5 on these demands too. Actually, if ya'll are the kind of Gods who are into that "the world must have karmic balance" crap, then #4 is probably already on your list.

Life on Mars

They beat us there!?! So this whole "mad cow" thing was probably just a distraction to draw our attention away from their space program.

Gigli - A Review In 3 Acts

Gigli - pronounced "gee lee" is about a gangster (Ben Affleck) who is given the job of kidnapping and watching a mentally challenged young adult. His boss hires a lesbian assassin/gangster (J.Lo) to make sure Gigli doesn't mess it up. They fall in love. Hilarity ensues.

Act 1 - The Idea
Mr. Malone: If I Netflick "Gigli" - JUST TO SEE HOW BAD IT IS - would anyone watch it with me? [Secretly he wants to like it just to be a sh-t disturber]

Mrs. Malone: I would. I want to see it. [Secretly she wants to see it]

Friend 1 (Male): I would [Secretly he would rather be playing Mario Party 5/Golf]

Friend 2 (Female): I would [Secretly she desires to watch "American Wedding" more]

Rock Friend: I'm busy that night
Mr. Malone: I didn't say which night it was
Rock Friend: Gotta go

Act 2 - The Renting
It is added to our queue and delivered

Act 3 - The Watching
Friend 1 (M): Why would you cast Jim Breuer as a mob boss?
Friend 2 (F): That's who he looks like!

Mr. Malone: [Upon realizing that the role of "Retard" is filled by an actor who looks amazingly like "Screech"] Does Dustin Diamond feel bad about losing this role?
Friend 2 (F): So I guess the government doesn't really have a good "check-in/check-out" policy for retards if a random gangster can leave with anyone he chooses.

Friend 1 (M): I don't understand a f-cking word Christopher Walken just said.
Friend 2 (F): Is he going to dance on the walls now?
Mrs. Malone: Did he just say he was going to put Ice Cream on Ben Affleck's head?
Friend 1 (M): Yes, plus "you'll put your tongue through your brain to lick it off"
Friend 2 (F): Why is this scene sooo long?
Mr. Malone: When you hire Walken for a day, you want to get the most out of him

Mrs. Malone: [Upon watching J.Lo continually glance in panic at the retard's hiding place while B.Fleck is being questioned by the police] Wow - she's really good at her job as a gangster!

J.Lo: What's the first thing you like to kiss? The lips. And what body part looks most like a mouth...wet and tender?
Mr. Malone: The Penis? Where is she going with this?
Mrs. Malone: You can totally see her vagina.
Friend 2 (F): Why is this scene sooo long?

Mrs. Malone: Can you really cut off someone's thumb with a plastic knife?

Friend 2 (F): Why do they keep casting Affleck as a guy who can turn lesbians straight?

J.Lo: It's Turkey Time
B.Fleck: Huh?
J.Lo [Spreading legs, drawing attention to her VAGINA]: Gobble Gobble

Friend 2 (F): Why does she f-ck with her robe on?
Friend 1 (M): She's a lesbian.

Friend 1 (M): Uuggh! This music is so bad.
Mr. Malone: It's romantic. It means he's tearing down the walls around her heart.
J.Lo: I'm not usually comfortable with men, but somehow you broke through.
Friend 2 (F): Awww...they're falling in love.

Friend 2 (F): How long do you think it's gonna take for the totally hot chick to realize she's dancing with a retard?

Final Verdict: 1.5 stars out of 5 (couldn't give it 1 star cuz it wasn't as bad as "Confidence.")

Strategery

These do my heart good:
http://www.bushin30seconds.org/finalists.html

If you only have time to watch a few, I'd go with:
Child's Play (the winner)
What Are We Teaching Our Children?
Desktop
If The Bush Administration Was Your Roomate
What I Been Up To...

It's nice to see some people are paying attention.